As you can see I’m still playing around with the theme for my blog here at wordpress. I really like the romantic one that I was using last week, but then I stumbled across this one and decided to give it a shot. However, I’m not so keen on how the blog titles get all smushed together, so I may switch to another theme next week.
We’ll see.
Screw it, the scrunched together blog titles were bugging me to much. So here’s a new blog theme that’s hopefully a little easier to read. Also, apparently a couple of comments people made a few weeks ago weren’t showing up under notifications, but they were showing up under the classic wordpress site. Weird.
I did a bit more writing this week, both on the fanfic and on The Descendants. I finally mastered how to hold my son and the computer at the same time – I balance the laptop on the arm of the recliner and on one knee, and then he sprawls out on my chest. Considering how long he’s gotten – he is 27 inches now! 27 INCHES!!! – I didn’t think it would work, but it does! So now he can nap, and I can get some quality writing time in. It’s a win win situation for all!
Anywho, in last week’s WIPpet I introduced the new improved Matthew. This week I figured I’d share a snippet that featured the new version of Audra. So, since today is the 18th, here is 9 paragraphs (18/2=9)
Audra, Felicity’s daughter, was sprawled out on the bed inside the hotel room with her head bent over a dog eared text book. She was too engrossed in whatever subject she was studying to notice Vivian’s entrance. She continued to scan the pages in front of her, occasionally stopping to jot down notes in college ruled notebook.
According to Felicity, Audra had attended the same elementary school as Vivian before she had been sent off to a boarding school. From the little Vivian remembered, the other girl had been constantly picked on by the other students. She had been an awkward child, with braces and pimples, and she had preferred reading to talking to other people. Vivian had felt bad for her, and tried to protect her from the worst of the abuse, but since she was two grades above Audra, there was only so much she could do.
While she didn’t think her attempts to intercede on Audra’s behalf had actually done anything, Audra, apparently, felt differently. She had thanked Vivian profusely when Felicity had reintroduced them at Christmas time, and now whenever she was home from college, she followed Vivian around the garage like a little puppy dog.
Given how intently she was studying, Vivian assumed it must be finals time. She was tempted to leave her be, so she could shower and change in quiet without having to make awkward small talk with her soon to be stepsister. However, Felicity had asked that she send her down to meet her grandparents, so she shook the other girl’s shoulder. “Hey.”
Audra yelped and jumped. Her textbook went flying off the bed and fell to the floor with a heavy thud, but Vivian was able to catch her notebook before it met the same fate.
“Thanks,” She said, flushing when Vivian handed it back to her.
“No problem.” She nodded at the younger girls textbook. “What are you studying?”
“Ancient history.”
“Oh, fun.”
The first paragraph still feels a little awkward to me but I don’t know how to fix it. If anyone has any suggestions, I’d love to hear them.
To read more WIPpet Wednesday posts, go here.
The Many Worlds of Christina L Olson 
Yay! I love that the step-sister isn’t evil. And I love the Vivian had a protective streak toward Audra before they were to become step-sisters. The first paragraph seems okay to me, but that’s coming at it without the previous writing, so it’s hard to say either way. You can probably get rid of “was” in “was sprawled” and just used “sprawled” or maybe add some sensory details, like the color of the bedspread or some fashion quirk Audra adheres to, or the smell in the room, etc. Something to help the reader feel the scene a bit. Just ideas, though. 🙂
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Thank you for the tips! This is where the scene starts, so that’s why I was so concerned about it being so awkward.
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Like Regi, I like that they seem to have a good out of the gate relationship rather than being a source of trouble. I think part of the awkward might be from you trying to cram information and visual all at once? If I were to write it (which doesn’t mean anyone should write it this way), I’d state “Audra, Felicity’s daughter, was studying on the hotel room bed.” and then start painting the picture in more detail from there.
Also of note, it struck me odd that you specified it was college ruled paper. And I think there’s a word missing in that sentence too (which is why it jumped out at me).
Hope I was more of a help than a detriment!
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Thank you! Your advice actually helped a lot.
Upon going through it again, I don’t know why I chose college ruled notebook instead of just notebook either. It really makes no sense to me now.
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Having step kids it was good to see that there was a positive relationship. Bullying can be so devastating. I agree with the others – maybe less info and more painting the picture. Liked the flow tho of the snippet.
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I won’t rehash other comments except to add that I also liked the pre-existing positive relationship. It’s sweet, and says a lot about Vivian’s heart. It takes guts to stand up for the little guy (gal).
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That sounds like a downright brilliant balancing act with your son and your laptop!
I too like the fact they get along, even if Vivian finds it a little awkward now. Audra seems just so sweet and that Vivian stood up for her before they even knew each other says so much about her personality. Also, nice quick reflexes!
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Since you asked… I’m a ‘was’ freak as in ‘crush, kill, destroy!’ so three instances of it in a short opening paragraph got me all sorts of twitchy. 😉 Getting rid of them would punch up the scene. Also, instead of tell us she was engrossed, you could show it…and partially do by the last sentence. So you may not even need to point it out. Let us see it.
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Like that she’s standing up for the underdog – nice to see such a good relationship.
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